Forgiveness

I stepped through the doors of the funeral home into the frigid Oklahoma air while friends continued to comfort the family inside. As a pastor, I had just performed the funeral service for an elderly gentleman in my church when I observed his son walk outside. He was about my age and owned a very successful business but he had little interaction with his family. I had been told he was a little standoffish, which only made me more determined to develop some sort of rapport with him. During my meeting with the family, it was obvious that he had a strained relationship with his father. For whatever reason, he was unable to forgive something in their past.

We began to talk when a couple came out and passed us without saying a word. I heard him thank them for coming but they never turned to respond. I thought it was very rude of them to ignore him like that but kept it to myself. A few minutes later a young man and his wife also walked by us. They carried two small children and passed without even a glance. He also spoke a quick thank you for coming but they never acknowledge his presence. They quickly got in their truck and left. He then offered an explanation for both parties. The first was his ex-wife and her new husband while the second was their son and his family. The

pain written on his face was evident as I stood visiting with him. I couldn’t help but wonder how this family had become this way. There was such coldness and an obvious lack of love and forgiveness.

There is a word that is used often in churches and among religious people. We are taught to do this word yet we are often ill-prepared to do so. It’s the simple word “forgiveness.” Many people live life without understanding the true meaning of this word and they refuse to either forgive or to accept forgiveness. In my experience, it seems there’s a lack of understanding and several misconceptions about this concept. Here are just a few

thoughtful truths about forgiveness.

First, forgiveness is a choice. Dr. Karen Swartz, director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital states, “It is an active process in which you make a conscious decision to let go of negative feelings whether the person deserves it or not.”1

Forgiveness is not something that automatically washes over us when we look at those who have wronged us. In fact, it’s just the opposite. It requires a deliberate choice that goes against our human nature. Sometimes forgiving someone changes our entire world. It can be a difficult choice, depending on the offense, but it’s a decision that you have to make as you consider the wrongs the other party has incurred. Peter asked Jesus, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus’ response was unexpected as he said, “up to seventy times seven.” (Matthew 18:21- 22).

Next, forgiveness frees us to be the person God intends. As believers, it’s God desire for us to conformed to the image of His son (see Romans 8:29). He is constantly working in our hearts to reveal the nature of Jesus in us. While true believers have the indwelling Holy Spirit, we often don’t act like it. If we live with an unforgiving spirit toward someone, we are severely hindered in doing God’s work and will.

The love of Christ, which we possess, is hidden to the world as it’s buried by the spirit of unforgiveness. John writes, “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love” (1 John 4:7). Being able to forgive frees us to be like Christ.

Third, forgiveness reflects a true understanding and assimilation of God’s character in our lives. John also said, “By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him (1 John 4:8). The ultimate act of forgiveness was when the Father freely offered the sacrifice of His Son to pay the penalty of our sin. He forgave us as he brought us into a right relationship with Himself. When we forgive others who have wronged us, we reflect the character of God in us.

Last, forgiveness allows us to live again. As we forgive, it empties the coldness in our souls and removes the callousness of our hearts. Any time I think of the word “forgiveness” I can’t help but think of the story of Jesus and woman caught in adultery (see John 8). Jesus forgave her sin. That act of love gives us a small glimpse into the character of God, that of a forgiving heart. Forgiveness not only affects us spiritually, but it also affects us physically. When we’re always angry and unforgiving, our bodies pay the price. It’s common knowledge that we have a flight or fight mode and it kicks in when we are confronted by a controversial issue. Our heart rate increases, our blood pressure rises, and we become increasingly nervous. If we carry this around with us for years, the stress of the situation affects our overall health. However, forgiveness brings a calm peace in our hearts. It allows us to live the life that God intends as we experience His peace in our being as He fills us with His Spirit.

The funeral was tense that day. I knew the man had never forgiven his father for whatever had occurred years before. I also knew that his ex-wife and son refused to forgive him for whatever wrong he had done. I could feel the tension as they walked by. The coldness of that wintry day was overshadowed by the coldness I sensed.

Many people might say, “But you don’t know what he or she said or did to me!” Without discussing my story here, let it suffice to say that I have wrestled with the concept of forgiveness. I’ve had to make a decision to love and forgive through unspeakable pain. It was one that I hope no one else ever has to make. Four years ago, I made the conscious decision to love and forgive. That decision changed my life. It was the right choice.

1. http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/healthy_aging/healthy_

connections/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it